Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
i've been throwing up a lot lately. my guess is hangover but who knows morning sickness is always an option
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
the point of no return was when you "drugged" his drink with glitter. face-planting on his dick was beyond.
she gave me head while i watched the '98 Rose Bowl on espn classic. Ryan Leaf really was a huge bust
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
If I can ever get control of my legs I will be home. Thanks... and again sorry about your bed.
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
Randomize
