My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
you were telling us about the time you had sex in an alley and he stopped, looked up and said 'it was a cul-de-sac' and went right back to what he was doing.
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
I'm hungover laying in my moms bed watching Space Jam.. Adult Life..
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
Idk I think he's weird but he's also from Wisconsin so that might have something to do with it.
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
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