Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
There I was staring at a teeny weeny black one and a huge white one. It was like an episode of Myth Busters
P.S, i don't recommend doing keg stands on top of vehicles.
she laid there and continued moaning loudly for like 10 minutes after we were done, just so that her mom would be jealous
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
Must be why he thought choking was foreplay. Like WTF? No.
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
Randomize
