Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
What I'm saying is Afghanistan is America's sexually contracted disease.
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
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