Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
a girl just showed up to class in a zip up hoddie and sweat pants. said she over slept. i guess she got hot and unzipped it , it was only then she realized was sleeping without a shirt or bra.
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
Maybe the problem is guy has to ask his wife if he can go out to lunch with his girlfriend for an hour...
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
Randomize
