Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
Almost thought it was a good idea to call his parents to thank them for having a son with an awesome dick. That high.
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
Hes trying to fuck me on a bear rug. Not saying no.
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
I'm sorry you're hurting. Would a picture or my erect penis help?
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
Shame - the story of my life.
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