yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
Just got roadhead in a driving snowstorm. That shit should be a Winter X games event.
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
You peed on a pole and declared to a cop that it was your pole and yelled at him to not even look at it, and then yelled at all of us for looking at it.
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
Randomize
