woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
In Denver there are more bars per capita than any other city also the healthiest city. That means lots of drunk girls and no fatties.
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
first one here with a pint of chicken lo mein, aspirin, and diet green tea ginger ale, gets a full effort bj the day after tomorrow.
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
Rush week is fine, only the t-shirts are white and if it rains, the frat boys in their lawn chairs will be treated to 800 freshmen girls in their first wet tshirt contest.
Welcome to college.
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
Is it still sex if there's no nudity, no orgasms, but the neighbors bang on the wall and ask you to stop? I've honestly forgotten.
Randomize
