god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
i permit you to call me
Haha dude youd die if you were here. Girl presenting is defending the new testament and did her report on JESUS. best believe i'm gonna ask some hungover, atheist ass questions
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
just used a paint mixing cup as a shot glass. thank u art school.
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
Well when you get back to your computer, there's a nice explanation of pansexuality on your Skype.
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
Randomize
