At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
you asked the guy at 7-11 if he remembered when you came in and threw news paper every where... then you did it again
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
You're welcome to join, but just to warn you, tequila makes my clothes disappear. And I'm telling you that as an adult to an adult, not as your supervising teacher who decides whether or not you graduate.
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
I mean I did fuck her boyfriend, the least I could do is post happy birthday on her Facebook wall.
I think I need practice at oral sex
I own a practice facility.
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
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