And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
dude if Megan calls say you Sis was house sitting for me yesterday , she f'n found dana's panties
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
You NEED to fuck him he's a doctor with one leg. Are you kidding me right now. This will definitely make the list. Plus he buys all of us drinks.
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
It's a whole movie about Joseph Gordon-Levitt watching porn and having sex... I NEED to own it..
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
Randomize
