I texted her sayin "I gotta brush my teethn then Im omw" maybe hint to do the same
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
It's like she can't drink without using a flambongo
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's only slutty if you don't have his number. Unless there's a full moon. Then anything goes.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
i read his ps3 instant messaging thing... he's meeting a guy to have sex. i think your boyfriend's gay
u would mumble something and then get unnecessarily loud and say random shit like 'id fuck the shit out of taylor hanson right now'
Randomize