I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
That's saying a lot from the girl who takes her liquor with her to the library
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
Exactly. So he deserves crazy "thanks for keeping me out of jail" sex. Or an "I'm glad your excessive cocaine habit had some positive outcomes" blowjob.
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
Lol. No. We cannot eat chicken while we have sex. No.
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
Randomize
