god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
which bright sisters idea was it to put semi-formal in the middle of no-shave november?
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
yeah a little bit of me felt bad about it. But the rest of me was having sex with him.
I deem her datable let the dance of attraction commence
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
Randomize
