It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
We had sex on a ferris wheel in canada, our relationship will never be the same
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
It's sad because pictures are supposed to say a thousand words, and theirs just say 'fat'
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
we were bear claw grabbing his crotch in the middle of the bar yelling prominent ridge over and over.
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
He accepted my bet of 5 bucks to bike home completely naked. Never got asked about the 5 bucks, guess he enjoyed it too much
Randomize
