im six kinds of drunk right now
He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
The girl sitting next to me in class is writing her to-do list under the title 11/31.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
It was horrifying, i havent seen a girls mouth open that wide since that one episode of Goosebumps..
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
Is it normal, that tacos make me horny?
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
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