the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
It's cold our but I feel like a very blazed penguin
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
I can't think of anything besides pubic hair fallout. Ugh.
I don't know what you're talking about but its dick galore in the tub. We will be getting poked tonight. Bring forks.
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
Randomize
