i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
He said he only talked to me because I talk dirty in bed.
it was like fucking gandolphs beard
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
Attn: you have now used your free, one time admission to pleasure town. Thank you for visiting I hope you enjoyed your trip. All future trips to P.T. Will cost you full admission price. We have different pricing plans to accommodate different situations, and remember it is more of a bartering system than a set price. Your patronage is always welcomed and once again thank you for visiting and have a fantastic evening.
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
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