I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
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