i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
There is an alarming amount of urine in here.
Romantically speaking, I want to sit on his face.
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
Yeah that's a good idea.. I like to be responsible when I trip my nuts off
Well at least ssomeone is or the state is tafing over ir in twligiob
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
Didn't know my clit could produce that many orgasms in one night. Fuck my husband; think I might have to become a lesbian.
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
Randomize
