my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
my being single is dangerous.
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
it's ok my mom asked me why i had a guys shirt on and also why there was chocolate all over my bra
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
Randomize
