i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
I love online classes. Spent the last part of my lecture taking apart a teabag and filling it with weed.
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
The theme is smores and alcohol. Dress appropriately.
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
I keep telling myself that if Britney can make it through 2007, I can make it through this date.
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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