party is dying down. we just wrote whore in the yard with gas. Photos to come.
Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
Nothing makes my dick softer than hot girls in rain boots.
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
Yes we can sext. I'm taking my socks off.
Randomize
