I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
when my dick couldnt get hard she said "fly on little wing"
Ill do this for you.
You are a team player.
This is me making up for not putting my tongue inside you more.
He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
we didn't have sex though. because i have the will power of an ox.
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
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