I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
Who knows? Maybe we can sing afternoon delight into each other's genitals.
woke up to find i out made out with his roommate before hooking up with him. breakfast was awkward to say the least
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
Randomize
