You just made me feel so damn special
Why is there 6 cases of kwic trip dounuts dumped in my bed? Best 34 dollar wake up of my life
organizing the empties. That sober.
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
I woke up and took my shirt off, and there was what I was assume to be pieces of tree in my chest hair. Any ideas about that one?
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
Randomize
