i'm so high i feel like the people i'm chatting with online can some how see that i'm naked.
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
there is potential here for me to have a consistent access to someone's dick who isn't actually an asshole. i think i'm ready for a relationship.
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
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