Pre-order weed for 4/20 and i'll give you a discount.
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
He's in the hospital yelling at his brother to at least have stuck something "normal" up his ass.
Again?
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
Are we planning this because I am online looking for places with a Mechanical bull
Randomize
