my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.
Acid is not a monday night drug
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
Randomize
