woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
He fucked volume into my hair. It was amazing.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
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