man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
Do you think if you have sex with a girl twin, her twin brother feels it to? Woke up at her house and they both have a look of disappointment on their faces.
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
Chilling. The soap was talking at one point if I rememeber right...
They put 3 tbs of cinnamon in vodka shots and called it the "cinnamon death challenge"
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
Would love to dress up in respectable attire and take you out somewhere nice and then do disgusting crude things in public
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
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