I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
just heard some guy walking down the street say "butt sex in the sun"
go get him tiger.
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
I can't wait to find out the true size of his penis! Please maintain enough sobriety for an accurate report.
Stripper pole. Sore legs. More vaca money.
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
the other day i was so high i found pages and pages of pictures of HD hamburgers and patriotic music. bong rips for merica.
Naw. I'm tired and I'd have to shave my legs. I doubt the sex or the company would be worth it.
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
Randomize
