I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
I GOT MY PERIOD!
damn. i had names picked out.
I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
It's great having no responsibilities. In normal life I would be freaking the fuck out right about now. But the only worry I have from last night is where i got this shower caddy full of cookies. God I love college.
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
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