i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
we did anal to Party In The USA and he busted to Firefies .. felt like we were fucking in a middle school dance
btw, her name was actually Alixx. in retrospect, it was pretty much a gimme
Oh shut up man. Once the police get involved its every man for themself.
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
Do you think Ashley had her twin sister tag in for our date? The sex was different and I think a mole was missing
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