You were asking people if they could pee on you while you shotgunned beers
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
Wish you were here....
And I wish your mouth was around my cock, but that never happens, does it?
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
Pagan metal show. There is a folk dance happening in the mosh pit. Also, I have no idea where we are.
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
Randomize
