K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
it was one of those movies netflix should have sent weed with
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
I feel like we shud celebrate your sisters homecoming by having sex in her room
Looking forward to meeting the person naked and passed out at my kitchen table.
I threw up for like 20 hours. Im gonna be the DD for the next 5 years.
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
I woke up knowing I have nowhere to be today except parties and it was glorious and I am so happy
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
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