hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
ok watching intervention on tv. when i hit rock bottom - i wanna be THIS chick.
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
His reasoning for leaving the keys in the ignition of my car overnight with the top down in an open parking lot ? Too eager to have sex. The sex was not that good for him to do this twice....
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
Meant to have fun, ended up giving speech about consent to guy at bar. Feminist side feels happy. Orgasms side feels confused and betrayed.
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
Never joke about your clitoris.
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
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