Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Stop. He threw up in front of Madison Square Garden security. Spit at the guys feet and grunted ughhh at him.
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
I need dick so bad, I’m dressing sexy for the school pick up line and sports practices to entice a few of the DILFs
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