i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize
