I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
Bring it all. We will have a potluck of drugs. It will be magical.
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
It's official cum is not a great leave in conditioner
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
dude. I can hear the air.
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