I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
dude she was so drunk she thought Jim Joyce made the right call
update. expensive tequila only makes the mistakes more expensive.
I mean, we started to hook up but my asthma attack kind of killed the mood
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
Randomize
