If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
They nicknamed me the gargoyle. Sex with me is getting gargoyled. The last one I fucked yelled "gargoyle me" for dirty talk. I think fucking me is part of their pledging initiation. Somewhat OK with this.
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
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