last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
BTW send me your address and size of condoms you wish your lover was-- "if you build it, they will come"
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
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