Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
I just made doing the dishes into a drinking game. crafty, or pathetic?
I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
Yes, yes she is. This will teach her not to pull her vibrator out and harass people with it at parties.
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
I feel like this is going to result in some sort of tearing in my vagina.
Thats a chance were just gonna have to take
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
im on a boat
How did you get this number?
Randomize
