I hate your face
I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
is it just my freshly shaved vagina or is the guy at the end of the table pretty cute??
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
Heading there now. Already have a boner.
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
