I don't understand why she insists on me walking her to the door. She came over for literally 8 minutes, we had sex, and now I need her to leave. That fake chivalry will change nothing about the situation.
Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
People with herpes should wear stickers.
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
There were penises being pulled out everywhere.
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
Randomize
