Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
On this egg donor form, it asks "In the past 5 years, have you had sex for drugs or money?" It only gives a yes or no option and no place to explain myself. What do I do?
No. untill you have done a puke that contains nothing but semen and tequila, you do not 'feel my pain'
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
I'm ultimately at thr Shariton to drink and ppssibly puke on fancy shit. Thats my story and Im sticking to it.
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
I feel a whole lot better than i did this morning at 3 when one of my roommates discovered me slightly aware of my surroundings and naked in the bath tub with the shower on
maby next time we don't finish the whole box wine just because it tastes like shit
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
i hooked up with all four beatles on halloween get on my level
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
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