Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
I can mark tailgating, going to the game and getting road head off my to do list today
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
I got high and had sex with reindeer antlers on. It was magical and animalistic. Tia the season.
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize
