I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
cant go down on her man, her vagoo reminds me of a face hugger from aliens
No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
Oh, and trying to figure out who wants to do Molly in a frat is like asking damn children if they want puppies and candy. So just bring as much as possible.
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
Man...I want to get monumentally fucked tonight.
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
Randomize
