i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
I had fun. Till he melissa etheridged my ass and came to my window.
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
Fuck you asshole. You cost me cheerleader pussy.
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
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