i convinced her that her period would come back if we did it doggy style
i would totally change schools right now just to be that new girl everyone wants
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
Both of us came out of our rooms at the same time in boxers and sat on the couch. No words were spoken.
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
Randomize
