Hey, kurt drew a penis on you and wrote my innotals. I had nothing to do a/ that.
Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
we are currently watching a singalong porn...just thought you should know
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
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