Honestly I wish you never came into my life. I know I don't want you. But I keep trying to get you back bc of the memories
I don't see you I see the memories. All the time
You are possibly the most enthusiastic, likable bad influence I've ever met.
Whatever. They have the same name, so it's not even cheating. It's brand loyalty.
You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
Randomize
