I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
attractive or not, he has more than one book on serial killers. i'm gonna get out of here while i can
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
It was sweet, he carried me out of my bathroom after I passed out, built me a pillow fort so I wouldn't roll out of bed, set a glass of water on the table, and brought me a mixing bowl to puke in. Totally a sign we're more than just fuckbuddies.
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
I need some buff guys to cuddle me and call me precious
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