hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
i hope when i become a housewife i'm more of a gretchen and less of a vicky
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
He sent me a picture of his dick as a snake, I'd say things are going great.
Randomize
