Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
you kept running across the street. everytime you made it across successfully you took something off. can't believe there were no cops around...
oh thats it?
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
we talked about european history as he fucked me from behind in the shower... i think it was a success
Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
I responded with "neat-o burrito" to his SEXT...he tried so hard and I just panicked.
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
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