A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
So basically I really like drugs AND banging cops and it's starting to get complicated
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
Randomize
