I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
DDing is such a bittersweet job, just got the entire history of this girls hookup career
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
Dont really know what happened near the end, Pockets were filled with skittles though
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
Uhmm, it's called hentai.
I DON'T CARE WHAT IT'S CALLED I DON'T WANT TO SEE IT ON MY WORK COMPUTER
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
Randomize
